May 20, 2004

Well I think that much of my “coming out” is probably covered in my about me section, but here goes anyway. I knew from a very early age that I was different. My dreams, thoughts, and feelings did not seem to be the same as everyone else’s. I was so young that I didn’t even understand what they meant or why I seemed to be different from everyone else. As I grew older I realized that everything was leading up to my need to discover my sexuality. I had always questioned my sexuality. I knew that I was not heterosexual but wondered if I were bisexual. I found women to be attractive, but never nearly as attractive as I found men. I went through my teens all through high school simply not dating, because I feared what people would think, say about me, or do to me. Any experiences that I had were always strictly in confidence and will remain that way. In my mid-twenties, I met someone that I was quite fond of and that I could have potentially had a serious relationship with. Unfortunately, it only lasted a short time. One night, he told me that he could not handle the fact that he was gay. It was against God and everything that he was taught to believe. His family was quite religious and I am sure that he knew that they would never accept his sexuality or let alone me. I always knew that he had reservations about what was happening. He had an Aunt that was a Lesbian, and he would refer to her as evil. I tried to make him understand who he was and that I would be there to support him and that we could keep it a secret as long as we both found necessary. Evidently that wasn’t enough. It seems to be my life’s story. (You will soon see the relevance) In any case, we ended it that night. I tried to call him and see how he was doing, but he would not return any messages or even talk to me. I was at work one night when he came in with someone from church and said hi to him and he gave me the most evil look that I had ever been given. He did not even acknowledge that he knew me and it was quite obvious that he didn’t want me to acknowledge him. That was the last time that I ever saw him. I often wonder how he is doing and what happened in his life. I thought that was hard to deal with until what happened next.

I was about 30 years old and I realized that I was sick and tired of being alone. I wanted someone in my life who I could love and who would love me. I posted a couple of profiles on various web sites and even got up the nerve to post my picture on one of them. I began talking to someone who seemed to be considerate, compassionate, kind, loving, and just an all around wonderful person. He seemed honest, honorable and seemed to be a person of great integrity. After a while, we finally met in person. I had already developed strong feelings for him and they became even stronger when we finally started spending time together. The first few months, were awesome. I had never been happier, and I was hoping for great things between us. Finally I was in love and thought that he loved me. I knew it was time to be open about who I was. I always knew the day would come, just knew never when until, on Thanksgiving, I decided to begin the process. My sister was the first person in my family that I told. Then I told my parents and Grand Mother. Everyone seemed to talk it well. I think my Grand Mother was the most upset, but she said that she may not agree with the lifestyle, but I was her family and that she would always love me. After I started coming out, things began to change. We started seeing less and less of each other and when we did see each other he seemed, quite frequently, distant. I understand that he was much busier than when we first met, but I still kept faith that we could work things out. On a couple of occasions, I told him exactly how I felt and he would say that we were a couple, and that I had nothing to worry about. I later found out that I did have something to worry about. One night, he asked me to stop by work. I already knew what it was about. I had a pretty good idea that he was going to break up with me. I sat in the restaurant and he came up and asked if I was ready to talk. I still can’t believe that he wanted to talk at work. We ended up in my car sitting in the parking lot. He told me that he didn’t have time for a boyfriend and that it wasn’t fair to me to not be able to see him. Naturally, I was quite upset. I became more upset when I found out the truth. Through a friend I learned that he had someone else that he wanted in his life. I later found out more of the details and was hurt more than I ever had before. He admitted to me that he had a problem lying, but has never apologized and will not even talk to me about it. That hurt me the most and will probably haunt me until the day I die. I don’t know for sure if he ever really did love me or not. The person that I know now is not the same person that I met. It is as if someone through a switch. The truth is that he can’t face me because then he would have to face himself. I think somewhere he does feel at least a little bad about what he did. He should, because something similar was done to him. I know that he still feels pain from his past experience, I just didn’t realize how much. All I wanted was him to face me, and tell me the truth, and if he is sorry then saying it to me. I guess that is too much because I don’t think that he could handle having to tell the truth. He isn’t afraid of me, he is afraid of himself. I will not let that happen to me. I deserve love and happiness. The past few months, and have gone from the best feeling in my life to the worst. The feeling of love and being loved is far better than the other side. I do still care for him, and always will. I know that somewhere exists the person that I fell in love with. I hope that this person returns, because someday he will make someone happy and I think that will make him happy. He wasn’t the reason that I came out, he was merely the spark that finally lit the fire that had been smoldering for a long time. I wish no ill will to him and I hope that he finds love, happiness, and success in his life. I wish that I could have been part of it, but that is not the case. I think that coming out was the best thing that I ever did. For much of my life, I suffered from depression and varying medical problems. When I started coming out, I felt as if a huge burden had been lifted from me. I would finally have the chance to find love, and stand up for my rights. I could be me after all the years of silently suffering. Staying in the closet is difficult to handle emotionally and I wish that I would have come out much earlier. I think that past many years would have been much happier for me. In any case, that’s my story, and to anyone who is in the closet and doesn’t know to come out of not, I would highly recommend it. If you want to talk about your situation, contact me. I would be happy to give you any help that I can. (in complete confidentiality) Don’t internalize it, or it will destroy you. I hope that those who read this don’t get too bored, but that is the way it happened. I hope now to find true love and do what I can to help the GLBT community. You must love yourself before you can love others. If you would like to know what I want out of life, click here.